


Stay With Me

by SalemDae_45



Category: Affinity - Sarah Waters
Genre: F/F, Femslash, Rare Pairing, rare fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-21
Updated: 2012-12-21
Packaged: 2017-11-21 20:25:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/601722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SalemDae_45/pseuds/SalemDae_45
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Diary entries chronicling Margaret's growing feelings for Helen, before it went to hell.  Pre-Affinity movie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stay With Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MmeBahorel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MmeBahorel/gifts).



April 14, 1874

 

 

…Her name is Helen.

 

We met at a formal dinner party hosted by Aunt Lolise.  Stephen was away on business and Momma was under the weather, therefore Pa needed someone to accompany him. 

 

It was rather entertaining. Cousin Sarah tried to sing while her husband played the piano with much discomfort.  Pa spent most of his time talking to his brothers about the importance of historical analysis on modern Britain.  So far, they were listening which made him speak louder. 

 

I normally walked around and indulged on some of the activities.

 

Until I saw Helen.

 

She is a godchild of Aunt Lolise.  She was with her mother and father, taking in the scene around them. 

 

Her smile was beautiful.  The way she stood with her hands placed together in front of her dress, posture straight and proper, and up-do curls made her stood out among the crowd.  I could not stop looking at her. 

 

I remember Aunt Lolise introduce me to Helen and her family.  I shook her hand and my heart flattered.  Her hands were delicate, smoother than mine, but all I kept focus on was her small, impeccable lips which became rosy pink under the dimmed light. 

 

We connected that night, Helen and me.  We talked while the rest of the party continued as if we were in our own world.  I was disappointed when I had to leave.  I saw disappointment on her face too.  I wish I stay a little longer.

 

Pa commented on Helen, saying she was a handsome young woman.  I felt my cheeks heated as I kept my eyes on the road.  For the rest of the night, Pa smiled…

 

 

 

May 26, 1874

 

I saw Helen again.

 

Aunt Lolise invited Momma and I for afternoon tea.  Once again, Momma was under the weather but I always suspected Momma hardly liked Pa’s sister.  After all, Aunt Lolise was suspected of killing her husband years ago; yet, it was never proven.  Everyone, except Momma, believed she was innocent. 

 

Momma suggested I should attend without her and so I did.  And there was Helen, handsome in beige and her curls, no longer tied in a bun, fell on her shoulders and framed her oval face. 

 

She greeted me, standing from her seat and shaking my hand.  I couldn’t take my eyes off her: her voice rose when she’s amused, her left hand tucked her hair behind her ear when stun.  Her smile becomes small when off guard or disagreeing politely.  I became mesmerized by her presences.  I don’t know why but I just wanted to be near her all the time.

 

Helen’s family have a summer home in Blankley, near the shoreline.  She talked about how she missed it and longed to return.  We were no longer with Aunt Lolise and her group, but sitting under the tree, having our own private conversation. 

 

Those moments I learned many things about her.  She loves yellow and loathed brown.  She wants to travel to Spain and loved the warm weather.  She dreams of becoming an opera singer (despite her awful singing voice).  She became animated with glee when she was away from her momma’s glaze. 

 

“Would you like to visit me at Blankley during the summer?  It would be nice to have some company.”

 

I answered “yes” and we continued to talk until the sky turned from bright blue to pitch black.

 

By the time I arrived home, I couldn’t stop smiling.  I wish I took Aunt Lolise’s offer of spending the night but I had to watch over Momma.  I saw a Helen bowed her head before leaving the main room.  I wish I had run after her and assured her this is not the last time she’ll see me.

 

Momma sat in the parlor room, face cold and lifeless.

 

“Why did you arrive here so late, Margaret?”

 

“I lost track of time, Momma.  You know how Aunt Lolise is when she has company.”

 

“She should check the time—”

 

“I’m going to bed.” I had enough of Momma’s voice for one night…

 

 

 

July 31, 1874

 

…After exchanging letters for months, Helen visited me.  Stephen was still on his business trip and wouldn’t make it back home until the end of November.  I would like for him to meet Helen, even if it was a quick “hello” and “goodbye”.

 

Helen seemed pleased as we explored my house.  She studied every painting in the hallway before touching the grand piano in the entertainment room.

 

“Can I?”

 

Helen played a short melody.  Her fingers danced upon the keys while her tongue protruded slightly from her lips. She nodded to her own rhythm, as if she was in her own world while I was an outsider.  I wanted to have a place in her world.

 

Helen made me feel at ease.  I think of her.  Dream of her.  Wanting her for myself.  She held my attention with her smile, her eyes, and the softness of her voice.  I love her because she was someone I longed for in a husband—

 

If I wanted a h—

 

“Who composed the song, Helen?”

 

“I composed it myself.”

 

“You did.”

 

Helen nodded.

 

“It’s lovely, brilliant.  You should play the next time Aunt Lolise has a party.”

 

“I rather sing than play the piano, Margaret, but hearing your praise, I might change my mind.”

 

Suddenly I touched her hand.  Helen watched me with a nervous smile, not sure what to say or do next. 

 

It felt like an hour before our hands clapped together and all we could do is stare at each other, not wanting this to be over.

 

“You have pretty hands, Margaret.  Soft, but, also co—”

 

Then Pa entered the room.  I quickly released her hand and faced him.

 

“Margaret, your mother wants to see you.”

 

I apologized to Helen before accompanying him upstairs.  Helen and I never spoke of it again.

 

 

 

August 14, 1874

 

I keep replaying that scene repeatedly in my head until it became engraved in my whole soul.  It felt right doing it despite my better judgment.  It thrilled me to be near her, so close.

 

I kissed Helen.

 

The weather was soothing.  The boat rocked slightly as we sailed towards the middle of the pond.  We laughed after sharing stories from our youth.  Helen’s laughter awoke something inside me.  I couldn’t stop staring at her as I caressed her hands, like a lover would do.

 

And then I kissed her. She stared at me, confused, as if I’ve done something wrong. 

 

At that time, I should have apologized instead of kissing her again and again and again.  Perhaps I didn’t want her to reject me.  Perhaps I wanted her to feel the same for me.  All I could do was show her my deepest affections and hoped she understood.

 

Slowly Helen cupped the back of my head and returned my advances.

 

It would have last longer if the boat didn’t tilt over.

 

 

 

August 15, 1874

 

Helen kept avoiding me throughout the day.  When she saw me coming down the stairs, she looked away.  When I tried to greet her, she leaves the room.  During dinner, she did everything she can to avoid speaking to me.

 

I believe she is upset about the kiss.  It wasn’t my intention to offend her.  I thought it was right.  It felt right.

 

What have I done?  I didn’t want to lose her and our friendship over an impulsive kiss. 

 

I love her. 

 

I love her more than anything in this world.  If I should lose her—

 

 

 

August 16, 1874

 

Looking at Helen who is lying beside me, I feel like I passed on to the next world.  I am exalted.   I am in heaven.

 

Helen came to my room last night. 

 

Helen leaned against the door.  She seemed troubled as she stared at me with fanatic eyes. Something inside me broke, knowing Helen didn’t want to see me again.  Therefore, I prepared my heart for the long awaited rejection.

 

“I don’t know why I have these feelings, Margaret.  It is not right but I can’t let them go…and I don’t want to let them go.”

 

I arose from my bed and walked towards her.  Each step, my heart beat quickly, almost to my chest.  I stood in front of her, close enough to feel her breath upon my lips.  I pushed back some of her hair away from her face.

 

Helen jerked slightly; eyes went everywhere else but mine.  But once I touched her cheek, gliding my fingers down to her warm lips, she gave me her undivided attention.

 

“Don’t be afraid of those feelings, Helen,” Because I am afraid of them too.  Because I know what will happen to people like me.  But as long as I have you, I will overcome those feelings, “I don’t want them to go away either.  Stay with me, for the night.” I kissed her, feeling her body, slowly, giving up control.

 

She, Helen, is the one I desired and not anyone else.

 

Helen wrapped her arms around my shoulders, gripping them as she kissed me in return.

 

“I will stay with you,” Helen mumbled in between the kisses. 

 

Then everything became a blur.  I knew she continued to kiss me.  And I kissed her.  I lead her to my bed and took off her nightgown.  I admired her body, pale but perfect under the moonlight. 

 

I explored her body: from the sweetness of her lips to the softness of her small but full breasts.  I loved how her rosy nipples stood up under my touch.  I placed them in between my teeth and tugged them slightly.  Hearing her moaned made me ventured forward, hoping to hear more of it.  So I nibbled down her stomach until I kiss her between her legs, tasting her.  She pulled my hair, wrapped her legs around my waist. 

 

She was beautiful. Her eyes half closed and darkened with arousal when she returned my touches. 

 

We came together that night. Sitting naked on my bed, Helen sat on my lap, her hands wrapped around my shoulders while I held her close. 

 

“Tell me this is not a dream, Helen.”

 

“When you wake up, I will be here, holding you until my dying breath…”

 

Helen kept her word.  She held me and I did the same.

 

This is one night I will never forget.

 

 

 

September 5, 1874

 

…We spend every moment together.  We held hands, lying on the ground while staring at the sun.  I touched her every chance I had.  She touched me as well and gave me looks that let me know she loves me.  This was paradise, she and me, together, without prying eyes.

 

We made love every time we were alone.  Her hands brought me to the finest point of ecstasy.  The smile she gave me when she parted my legs and tasted me.  I can’t write down on appear the things we have done but I know it was a wonderful experiences. 

 

Momma believed I’m spending too much time with Helen rather than focusing on finding a husband.  I should get ready to marry to sustain my proper place as a wife. Yet, I have no desire to be a wife.  I want to be with Helen.  I knew I would have to be a wife eventually, but just once, I want to pretend that I have more options in my happiness?

 

I know I am not allowed to pretend that Helen is my wife but it feels right, to me.

 

Only when Helen and I are alone can we avoid our unfortunate fate…

 

 

 

November 30, 1874

 

I didn’t like the way Helen look at Stephen.  He finally came back to Britain and I introduced him to Helen.  He kissed her hand and she chuckled bashfully.  They talked during dinner and he continued to make her chuckle.

 

I sat across from them, each part of me crumbled.

 

After dinner, we went to the opera and Helen and Stephen continued to have a private conversation.  He held her hand, whispered some things in her ear which caused her to tap him playfully on the arm.  I tried to focus on the opera but each time I looked at them, I wanted to hide under the chair and disappear. 

 

I kept quiet as we left the opera and returned to the house.  I left for my room, ignoring the continuous laughter from downstairs. 

 

I laid in bed, thinking of them.  Helen sitting at the end of the chair while Stephen moving closer, wrapping his arm around her shoulder, inviting her to a—

 

Helen came to my room late at night, when everyone was asleep.  She sat at the edge of the bed.

 

“What is wrong?”

 

I remained quiet.

 

“My heart belongs to you.”

 

“Really?  How do I know?”

 

Helen rose from the bed and took off her grown.  Then she raised the covers and lay beside me. 

 

I tried to look away but Helen caught my hand and placed it in between her breast.  She guided my hand down her chest until it reached her warm arousal.    

 

“I here, aren’t I?” She leaned forward and took me upon my lips.

 

“Stay with me?” I whispered.

 

Helen kept kissing me, moving against me as I exploded her.  Her heat, her lips, her hands…

 

“Promise me.”

 

“I will.”

 

“Love me.”

 

“I’m yours, Margaret.”

 

I closed my eyes and exhaled.  She felt so good.

 

“Please stay with me!” I cried. I watched her moving on top of me.  She looked like a fallen angel.  I didn’t deserve her.

 

Helen never left my side.  She was still with me.

 

 

 

January 7, 1875

 

There will never be a Blankley.  There will never be private conversations or endless nights of lovemaking. 

 

Helen and my brother are together.  They will marry by the end of this month.  I will watch her make an everlasting vow of undying love to Stephen.  I will stand by her side and smile sweetly, like a true friend, but dying inside because of her deception. 

 

There are no words to describe how I loathed her and my brother. 

 

When Momma made the announcement, Helen never looked at me.  I kept my eyes on her, wanting to know why she decided to marry him.  I knew we would get married to other people eventually, but it was too soon—

 

And with my own brother!

 

I confronted her in the library.

 

“You promise to stay with me!”

 

“Things change, Margaret.”

 

“You meant to tell me that what we have was nothing!”

 

“Don’t be so naïve, Margaret!  I can’t be an old maid like you.  I need to get marry, for my sake and my family.  I need to be a wife, not one of those people.  Do you know what they will do to people like us if we continue on like we were?  We are no longer children—”

 

“I don’t care. I don’t care what they’ll think about us.  All I want is you!” I couldn’t help but cry.

 

Helen stood there, emotionless.  She became someone I didn’t even know.  The smile was gone and replaced with a haunted frown.  She was a shell, now a woman, much like Momma.

 

“I care, Margaret, but I’m not like you.  I can’t pretend it doesn’t affect me.  I can’t be a child forever and when you get married, you’ll finally understand what I’m saying.”

 

“I will never become you or Momma!” I should have taken those words back but I was angry.  I wanted her to hurt like I was.  It wasn’t fair she’ll leave me in the cold. 

 

Helen shook her head.

 

“Then you will be alone.” With that, Helen was gone and I was in the library, alone. 

 

I lost her.  I lost the woman I loved.

 

Oh Helen, my love, please come back to me.

 

Please.


End file.
